A bite out of the Big Apple

I’m just back from a family holiday to New York. We climbed the Empire State Building, strolled in Central Park, saw both Wicked and Phantom, took the Staten Island Ferry past the Statue of Liberty and much else.

But what I want to share is how hard I found it just to get there. I am prone to anxiety – it seems to be deeply embedded in my DNA. Though I cope reasonably well with the help of medication, particular challenges can ramp up the worry level.

I was deeply anxious at the prospect not just of the long flight but of being what seemed so very far from home. In addition the health scare I had in November, a mini-stroke, made getting travel insurance more complicated, and left me feeling fragile and fearful.

Many people – 3 million in the UK according to 2007 figures – experience abnormal anxiety disorders. We are helped in part by talking therapies, medication, positive visualisation of achieving the things our fear attaches itself to – and all these means of addressing the problems are I believe God-given gifts.

My doctor slightly increased my medication prior to our New York trip. I thought positively, and reminded myself ‘God will be with you.’ I was encouraged by my wife’s assurance of her our daughters’ love and support. But I remained fearful.

I had been attending a lunch-time discussion group at St Andrews Cathedral, Inverness, on the Wednesdays of Lent led by the Provost, Alex Gordon. Two days before our holiday, the group was discussing the giving of ‘the peace’ – the moment in Anglican and Roman Catholic liturgies when members of the congregation greet each other, saying ‘Peace be with you.’

I said I appreciated this – it makes me feel included, part of the group. Alex gently deepened my understanding, telling me that what we are conveying to one another is the fact that God gives peace to each of us. Almost immediately, I had a deep sense that God was giving, and would give me peace.

The unexpected ‘givenness’ of this brought calm, joy, trust and a lightness of spirit about the forthcoming journey which my own attempts at positive thinking had failed to deliver. The memory of this gift from beyond me sustained me during our time away.

I didn’t sleep well on the Thursday night, and woke fearful on the day we were leaving. I didn’t know if I could do it. I had a mental picture of a circle on a map of Scotland, centred on Inverness. My comfort zone. It seemed so small, New York so very distant.

And another picture came to mind, not with quite the same sense of givenness as the assurance of peace on Wednesday. It showed two hands, the tips of thumbs and forefingers touching to form the shape of a heart, and within it, green and blue and brown and white spun our planet. I realised that the whole world is in God’s infinite comfort zone. God is at home in New York – or perhaps New York is at home in God. Certainly, I am at home in God.

This thought helped me face the day. That evening at 9.30pm we are crossing the Kingston Bridge in Glasgow on the shuttle bus to the airport. I find my heart alive with praise and gratitude to God.

Eight days later, we are waiting outside our hotel in Times Square for the transport we’d booked to take us back to JFK Airport to arrive. Would the minibus come? I reflected that it’s one thing to go forward through life, entrusting each step to God. It is quite another thing to still your anxiety when all you can do is wait, wondering if the minibus will come. Because faith in God doesn’t guarantee the absence of problems.

Then I realised that security in that situation is found in remembering that no matter what happens – if your plans fall apart, if the worst imaginable scenario unfolds you remain secure because your indestructible self is sustained by God.

We arrived back in Inverness the Sunday before Easter. I have been encouraged and have grown in confidence and faith through the experience. I am so glad I went.

Each of us who struggle with abnormal anxieties has our own story. I know some people, worried sick with the anxiety of making ends meet will feel I am fortunate that I had a trip to the Big Apple to worry about, and I take their point.

But each of us will be helped by the love of friends and family and by appropriate therapies but also, despite dark and agonisingly difficult days, by the moments of spiritual strengthening which Christians believe are the tender, personalised gifts of a loving Father.

(Chreistian Viewpoint column from the Highland News dated 24th April 2014)